So I went to new york again, took the beautiful train, got to see lots of white people. THERE I SAID IT. Black people seen in new york is mostly either they are working there or just visiting to go to some event. It's pretty crowded too. Everyone wants New York to be the place where everyone goes to have fun, to burn their brains out with electronics and constant annoying stimulation from someone directing everyone through loud-speakers. Or in laymen terms, to have fun. :)

So uh...yeah it's pretty sad my affair with going to new york because all I did really was scream at my mother, everyone hates my mother more and more because of the way she acts, she always likes to bring up a person's hopes and then dash them. Wait aren't I doing that with Elijah and his MP3 player? I seriously have to get this thing to him, if I don't do these cards, I have to finish his MP3 player. Lol, he probably called me 20 times on my now lost cellphone. The jokes on him really because he only had his mp3 player one day and he decides to give it back to me to put more on it, even though it took so long to get the mp3 player with all the songs on it to him now he has to wait forever for me to decide to finish it and then give it to him.

So yeah, arguing with my mother, making her look bad, treating her like a child, abusing the fact that she wont abuse me back. I did all of these things because I'm frankly tired of the way my mother acts, she acts like a grown child. But the thing about being a child is learning from your mistakes, this is basically the principle all adults bring their children up on. They keep the child in a state of learning and to know that anything they do can possibly be wrong and may need to be corrected.

Now a disease is to believe that once you get older you can immediately just STOP learning, and simply act like a programmed system for the rest of your life. How many of you guys act like that? You say to yourself "I know I act this way, I'm sorry, this is just the way I act, take it or leave it!" This is the disease my mother is afflicted affected or inflicted or infected with.

So let's not gauge how she acts, let's guage my response. I feel bad, I have this feeling in my stomach that is icky, it says I'm wrong, it says I'm bad, it says that I'm evil, it says that what I've done is not allowed and I should try my hardest to be nice to my mother now and make it up to her. Yeah? No! Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define screaming, yelling, or correcting my mother for her behavior as bad and being yelled at and being corrected by my mother as good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make this feeling go away by being nice to my mother so that I can feel good rather than the way I feel now.

See now when I argue with my mother, it seems that I try my hardest to win, but I noticed that I have been gifted this ability, probably by my father, to shred out the underbelly of a person who's arguing with me, now the problem is how arguing starts, instead of trying to resolve the argument, my mother attempts to WIN an argument, now that's stupid because I win ALL the time, and the only way to beat me, is to LOSE against yourself by circumventing your own beliefs that you are a normal good person. Or to use the fact that I am her child, now I'm beginnning to also let go of that because it's debilitating me and it's simply...imagine your mother tying your legs together and then you deciding to voluntarily keep your legs tied together as respect to your mother meanwhile you suffer walking and have to hop and stoop and shit, pretty unacceptable.

So, it's almost insanely embarassing to have to SLOWLY take off the rope rather than throwing it to the wind!

So my mother's disease is starting and argument with me, she MUST start an argument with me, and if she continues I might just destroy the argument each time she starts until she LEARNS, do NOT argue with me period. I'm not your punching doll you're not just going to come at me just because you had some type of hard day and abuse me with words, that's not how it happens, respect yourself and respect me, I'm too grown to be treated like a 4 year old. Ironically it's only YOU who treat me like a 4 year old. She has this misconception that she's talking TO a 4 year old, but she'talking to me LIKE a 4 year old rather than another person. STupidity.

Did you notice the essence of this post? I can't resist for some reason talking only about my mother and not about how I'm involved in the situation with my, keeping quiet and allowing her to abuse me and allowing myself to participate within her arguments, FUCK fighting with her just so that I can win, FUCK allowing myself to tie myself so that I can be a good child, FUCK all of that. I wont tie myself any longer just so that she can feel like a mother this shit, just fucks withme, why do I realize this only now that I'm 17? I should have realized that I'm voluntarily alowing myself to stay quiet and be attacked, but of course you don't really have a course of action when you're being attacked, so breath is neccessary, simply breathe through the moment, through everything, but it's hard to listen to a person when they're screaming and I cannot for the life of me listen to someone when they're doing nothing but yelling at me.

I forgive myslef that I hadn't allowed myself to realize that I too like my mother yell at a person despite the fact that when a person yells they cannot hear what you're saying if all your doing is reacting and using anger.

But it's a different thing with my mother, it's not just that she's being intense, it's that she's allowing herself to put her anger out on me just to, do that instead of, then she blames her anger on me, which is unacceptable, it's evil to dthat because then I'm only participating in your bullshit, and I wont do that. I hate participating in bullshit, so that's why I have to breathe and reveal what is happening with a calm eye, look a person straight in the fact and tell them what's going on. THen you can see the moving fear that lurks in the inner shadows of my body as it presents itself.

What is it, it's not available to speak, see in life there are so many things, there are the obvious in your world that you refuse to change then there are the subversive that is hidden and you cannot see directly. It's a feeling it exists, but you can't access it directly, but since my whole life has been, seeing directly to the core in one moment, i noticed that I have to relax and just breathe and let the point come through on it's own.

I'm afraid of facing my mother, not exactly how would I self forgive it, since it's a clean clear point, with no attaching net works, I simply dry self forgive it, which means, say the self forgiveness and let the words follow on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my motehr.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother slapping me or hitting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father slapping me or hitting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standing up to my mother and father as bad and being less than them as good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to my mother and father and them as superior to me.

I forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother taking an object away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother hurting me devastatingly and having to defend myself from my tyrannical mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mother as tyranical and evil and mean, and bad, and strong, and powerful.

You have to realize that ever since I was young, my mother looked like a friggin monster, but now I am taller than her and is gifted the ability of no fear basically. I always thought my mother was evil and full of evil, no wonder alot of babies when they see my mother grow scared, cuz she is evil pretty much. I wonder most of the times, what is in the head of my mother?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mother as evil.

What is in the head of me? Being accepted by friends and family? Guess what that shows, she is simply an extreme example of who i am. Just a female extreme version of joseph, who conforms to the female points in society, and hates it, but gets used to it and tries to exploit it for "fun", and then even though she'd rather just kill herself, then deal with it anymore. She pushes on , even I do, just to never have to die, or experience it, COME THE FUCKON, life is boring, what exists within me, is where the excitement is technically. So, it's silly to attempt to have fun through the physical but instead use the physical, to direct yourself internally.

THe inside, the feelings, the movements, the mind, the thoughts, the resistances, what you refuse to do, what you decide to do, your decisions in one thought cycle or moment, those are what make life worth living. Of course, it's the self forgiveness that makes you smouldering hot and happy so to speak. To experience the JOY of liberating yourself from your own fears, feelings thoughts and resistances, is WHAT makes life worth living. Of course there are thousands of traps, and to learn how to navigate them, is what will make your experience on life, speicific and worth all the trouble.

Now Don't know what I just said, but all of this knowledge is best ocme out on paper, and quickly so that I can immediately move in this reality, knowing what I understand, knowing my opinions and thoughts and simply putting them out on paper. It directs one, it's like downlading lots of information onto a flash drive. Or, into a computer as represtnted by paper. Something like getting music out of your mind and onto paper into a precise format that can be understood and read by everyone else. Good shit.

Now I really should continue with my other points but I just want to finish spilling all of this bullshit onto paper, I want to get off the toilet but I still can sense that I still have to shit, that's what it's like Lol.

So Ok nothing NEXT, my father. Dry forgiveness is ready.

I forgive myself that I havea ccepted and allowed myself to desire to love and defend my father from what everyone else thinks of him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father hitting absolute rock bottom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father punching me hitting me hurting me killing me, trying to really get at me.

See, now I remember a time with my sister and I plan to talk with my sister about that moment, with my sister, face to face, sister to sister? I'm a boy brother to sister, now I noticed that when I speak to her, we get closer or whatever, it's good shit, it's good work. So, I remember my sister did one of her ghetto adventuring and trying to understand life stints and she came in late or whatever and actually I think that she dragged me with her and put me with her and we hid in like this building and I hid with her, cuz I loved her, this is my sister, and we still can feel a connection, good.

Uhm, So then I remember seeing my mother holding up my sister against the wall, and i was frightened, she had her lifted and she was harming her extensively and way more than neccessary. That was my sister and there was my evil ass fucking mother harming my sister, how dare she. Now I see why mallory loves malachai way more than me who is her oh so awesomely nice uncle.

So, if anything, some dry self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother with a passion for harming my sister.

I forgiv emyself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to extensively harm my mother to protect my sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother would kill my sister.

ack to father, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father neve rpicking me up ever again.

So on to the white people.

Aunt Eneida

So yesterday after lena reveals to me that my mother is actually crazy and ruined one of her relationships with some crazy prediction that she made herself and then we try to understand what my mother is all about. Why my mother is so selfish and in the process of taking refuses to give back. That's her problem, she just WONT give back, she WONT suffer to help another person. She never could feel good about helping someone cuz she only focuses on how she is losing out and not how she is gaining.

See I think I'm lucky although because all I have to do is go over there and watch the kids, and my fee is FOOD. In every form, as long as I'm fed, I don't complain about anything. I Remember i called lena and cried and bawled because she left us without any food, so now Lena is going to teach me how to REALLY cook. So I made the kids boil noodles, and boil eggs, and one of the eggs are eaten and another is dropped. 4 cans of tuna goes into this food, so I mix the food up and I feed the hungry and take my plate. It was very good, I'm surprised I didn't suffer and die, I don't know I always manage to find a way to make food that doesn't taste spectacular, but doesn't taste bad at all.

So then I walk home in the snow, it's pretty tranquil, I'm thinking about so many things like what had happened, and I'm very annoyed with the people and my reactions towards them because maaaan, I'm tired of people, but in that word, people are my point, I can stay at home and never see people and just end my life (not end it, simply never bother with people) and I would have the best life i could ever imagine. Well maybe not, I could probably get lonely, but then the only people would be the people that I see online, and they could never get me angry because I don't have to speak to anybody for more than 15 minutes.

But unless I plan on being a loner, I have to face people and get over it, I'm just concerned with the rush of thoughts that occur when with people, I begin to constantly review events over and over. Speaking of which I caught myself thinking about arzberger and Adam and I even dreamt today about racism, I wanna call lena and tell her about it. She's sleeping.

So I come home and I decide to nerd off again to kingdom hearts, it's like a drug to me, a drug that works. A drug that really really works, a perfect working drug that doesn't harm me but gives me what I want, escape from this reality, into another one, that is more perfect than mines. A drug full of mind control elements and ect.

Yeah so I go to what's her name, eneida's house and I am immediately frightened as if I was a child, I get into her house and I laugh with Ucal, I get into the house and I am immediately frightened, but I allow myself to simply go hard and say hello to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying hello to people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying hello to a group of people.

When a group of people are present, I freak out cuz I don't know what to do and I want to say hi to everyone but I can't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to say hi to everyone when I'm in a group of people.

I fear that if I don't say hi to everyone, someone will be mad at me and then the rest of the night will be awkward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't say hi to everyone, somebody will be mad at me and I will be unable to look in their eyes.

SO definitions I define me as popular, social, at the opposite end, scared, reclused and etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as popular and social.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as scared and reclused.

So I sit, Ucal sits next to me, uhm I'm made to see how tall I am. I give a few hugs to people. I see this incredibly haught British lady. She is just soooo damned sexy...and probably related, OH NO. And british and social and hot, and hot, and HOT, and hot. And hot. SHe's hot, she's hot, she looks great. She probably makes friends with EVERYONE, and has had sex with a man who offers her love protection and strength and also with the guys who just wanted her SOOO BADLY!! I feel kind of embarassed because of my thoughts though, I can't reveal what I'm thinking to her, or maybe I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to define the thoughts that I'm thinking about this girl as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this woman finding out about the thoughts that I think in my head about her and toward her.

I forgive myself that I have acecpted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with this woman.

Then I stiffly sat in the chair and I felt out of place slightly because I wasn't like integrated into the system yet.

MMMmMmMmmMmMmmmMmmMmmmm if only I were her age.

I wouldn't even get her because I have no swag, unless I faked a british voice or something lol.

So then after awhile, Ucal pours some champagne and I observe then the count down goes down, everyone comes in I meet lots of new people, then we get to hugging, hugging men was weird, but doing hand-shakes would have been informal so we had to do what we had to do. Happy new year 2 thousand and 10. We're still alive so that means life will go on as normal!

So people go, they make us eat, I eat, but am afraid of throwing up like I usually do.

So this dude drags me in the back and reveals that he's one of those people who go in the subway and tag up the walls. And that he ran from police all in this neighborhood, every day, leaves the house at 2 or 3 o clock, comes back in by 4 or 5 and sleeps as if he never even left. Straight G. Now I couldn't do that, my door sqeaks as if somebody is dying. So in order to increase my badness level I decided that I'm going to fix my bike up today so that I can ride around this area and gain an idea a image in my mind about where I live, I'll use mapquest so that I don't get lost. Worst case scenario, I got my bike taken away, so if I'm planning to STOP, I'll have to just take a bus or walk to that area. I'm gonna need to get a bike chain too. But money never flows, it just never flows. I can ask ucal to get me one, a bike chain, or uhm 100 dollars for my bass guitar.

My goal is to become more involved with annoying people, who are messed up in the head and have faulty values and are self centered and only want to improve themselves. Therefore giving me the opportunity to apply self forgiveness. In the end, I expect that I will become comfortable with girls, get laid, receive a mind upgrade. Act completely noticably different, luckily I'm in 75% control of my reactions so I will successfully change not changing at all. Girl becomes addicted to me, I teach her about self forgiveness, she doesn't want to change, combusts, relationship combusts, atleast I lost my virginity. Stay the good path, don't do anything bad, rob, kill, be in gangs, smoke weed, do anything that might possibly get me arrested, drink. I was supposed to get a paper and write out all the things that I define as good and bad and promptly self forgive it. I must do this.

Parties, I have to go to parties, never get drunk ever, NEVER DRINK, EVER. I don't care who's pushing me, except if it's family and I have to stare at my can of bear, usually I'd just throw it away. Duhhhhh. Or if not drinking would be extremely awkward. Maybe I'd try it just so that people would get off of my backs. But I still have to face the people. Always.

Uhm, yeah, they then asked me if I had a girlfriend, but I didn't, which was annoying. Holy shit.

I'm very cold, I think completely linearly and logically. I do NOT let emotions stand in my way or dictate anything I do. I am always clear in my decisions, except when my decisions involve belief systems, then I am tainted. But usually I take a fresh perspective and outlook on things.

Oh and I still have my mother's system involving cleaning things, that's it. Oh and when a person says something stupid.

Yeah, so that's it. All I have to say for today. I can't wait to do that video I wanted, and I'm gonna go fix this bike and take a shower early so that my pimples can heal.

Back in time

So yesterday I visited Emma, this women that used to watch me when I was small. One thing I hate my mother dearly for is making me go to Eneida to be tortured, and I will always hold this against her. Forever. Eneida made me suffer!! My life was hell!! All I ever wanted to do was BE with my mother and instead she FUCKING separated me from her, to suffer and endure this world all flipping alone. So in response, I hate my mother, and I keep to myself and love myself only, this world is against me, so I will fight back!!! Nobody's going to knock me down, I swear!!! I'm tired of all of the ways that I depend on people who never even helped me but made it worse for me and made a joke and laughed at me. I called myself sensitive...WHAT IDIOCY!!! Nobody is SENSITIVE on this earth, everyone is a canine-beast thing that wants to kill me, and because I have been bitten before, I shall never be bitten again!!!

I'm sorry, I just wish that I had some type of person that was stable for me to run to every time I needed somebody, but nobody ever presented themselves that way. So like I said, I just had to take the world bluntly and full on.

SO yeah with Emma it felt like old times, I felt like a damned child like I was running around the house again, so I immediately fell into some kind of child-like alter/personality, but if I didn't stand into it, I don't think Emma would have liked me. My mother noticed my bullshit, we're all intuitive people except when we refuse to see what's in front of our faces.

Javier, is GETTING BITCHES and banging them, talk about jealousy. Calling himself an Angel, yeah right. THAT'S NOT COOL. I WANT BITCHES TOO...but yeah I'm scared. So we ate her amazingly better than my mom's food, it was amazing and better than my mom's food. I asked if we could come here every night to eat cuz it was just perfect!!! The rice was perfect, the german potato salad was perfect, the fork and plate was perfect. Holy crap!

Uhm then we left, so today I'm not gonna go outside or nothing, I'm planning to say merry christmas though, to everyone and all, with glee and happiness, the music says say hello to EVERYONE you meet, not just someone who looks nice! Maybe I'll say it to a cute girl with the hidden message being "I want to fuck you" not just "I'm a loser trying to say merry christmas to everyone".

Homg I see the truth of me in writing, like toby, whom I'm scared of dearly and don't want to commit to, cuz I guess...I'm not mature enough, but the window is open, I guess I'll just be lonely forever, I can make another friend, like cooking or something, or playing the bass guitar, or even piano. Instead of videogames which is just wasting time to gain more image capability.

Oh yeah, I gotta clean my glasses sometime, they have so much random dirt spots on them, I gotta find a place to get clothe for them, I just HAD to lose my case, there was nothing else that could happen. Oh yeah still avoiding that girl, it's weird now, I can't look her in the eyes, AND she knows what I'm doing, would I ever confront her? It wouldn't matter. She wouldn't change or anything, I guess I'm just jealous that she has everything and I have nothing.

Yeah, bullshitting with people you know, pretending that I'm a good conversationist (I'm terrible). Pretending to have conversations (I just repeat what the person last said to me and add something interesting to it). Pretending that I'm happy (I'm still a virgin, I can't be happy).

Uh huh, I'm slowly but surely diminishing more and more, I"ve probably agreed to go to college, cuz I chose a career that focuses on it, and if I plan on doing music...college is for me! FUCKING college loans, luckily for me if this new money system get's implemented (it wont just to be a pun) I wont even have to go to one. Poland spring water system is...RUNNING OUT and soon we will be tortued with NO WATER. It's cuz we BOTH drink water. I must get her water supply off, I know how, I will add more tap water to her juices, so that she gets less dehydrated LOLOL.

See, my scheme shall work. I'm a genius, MUAHAHAHAHAHA. SPeaking of geniuses, master DJHIVES has not even posted yet, he probably wants an email from one of us, I want to talk about monarch programming, I've compltely submitted to the notion that all music industry stars are brainwashed people brainwashing the masses. This is because the stars are abused and caused to split their mind when they're young, and then promptly programmed.