Word, so yesterday I went bowling and what not, got angry with malachai cuz he was acting nuts. I went in there wanting to make friends, but once I realized that in order to make friends, I would actually have to get involved with somebody else's family, I opted out. So I just bowled with my three peoples of the universe. GOt beat by a 5 year old girl. My own neice. Blah. I think I was in 3rd or 4th place, you see they have those training things on the side and my neice simply slowly bowled in and it always hit the sides and she would get strikes off of that. Meanwhile I hit the sides a few times but alot of the times I didn't go into the gutter. Or the sides to be precise. So I would've won in the end, with a..60 or something?

Yeah, then I played street fighter, it was beyond awesome, I didn't lose any rounds at all cuz I play it on my computer here, I was getting all angry and I was pretty much annoying the guy next to me cuz I was going so hard and getting angry and he was just patiently playing a lottery game. They really picked the WRONG spot to put such a high octane fighting game. Technically you know. It's funny how I decided to get the game though, I said to myself "oh you know what be AWESOME, orgasmic awesome?! Street fighter RIGHT NOW!!" and so I looked around and I saw nothing so I began to be let down, then I went around the room to see if it was on the other side and so I went to other side and then I looked behind me, and right behind me, the street fighter CONSOLE omg omg omg omg omg omg omg and it only costed 50 cents, not like the other games which cost 1.00 dollar and you die in like 2 minutes. I played the street fighter game and won every battle and played 50 cents for 15 minutes...OHH MY GOD. I thought I was going to lose but I luckily was very nice and the computer wasn't THAT serious so I played and I BEAT the last battle, but my very last opponent was this cyber akuma guy, and he was nice so I lost.

So I played again and this time I got beat by the damned 3rd battle, I had captain america as my second character so it was way harder because captain america is hard to handle you know. So you know, I lost, captain America is pretty nice. Yeah.

So today actually, just sitting here, everybody is annoying the shit out of me, I'm happily angry with everyone, my mother, malachai, everybody's out to annoy me and make me angry, tread on my water in any form or fashion possible. I gave my power to my mother so she is acting like a fascist homophobe. Malachai refuses to respect...anything...and I want to tear his head off without going to jail - not going to happen. I'm sitting here without anything to do for the day, I want to go somewhere with fams for the rest of the day, but there's nothing. I might have to go outside and play some cold basketball or something. Just to keep me busy. They keep annoying me about DVD players and hooking up things. I have to go outside and get pancake mix cuz my mother left it, I don't even have to complain, cuz my mother left it in the car, I could get angry towards her but instead I wont! I don't need to, she knows this is her fault!! Woooooot.

They are urging me to go to church but I hate jesus. Well god really, cuz he is a lie who will wrap my mind up in shit that is clear deception. I want to call my friend to do something but it is hard to get ahold of him, and he is like my only friend. I don't have many friends in my neighborhood to call.

My mother keeps babying malachai, and that shit is weird, there's no need to baby him, he's not a baby he's 8.

I forgive my

Girls and Guys

Yup, today was another day, which is something to say, aww shit I'm talking bullshit already. Ok fine I will simply say what happened today and get it over with.

So in the morning I spoke to what's his name and it's getting kind of boring speaking to him but I have no one else to be with so what am I to do? Stand alone?! No!! I have to be speaking to ANYONE about anything, and he's so dedicated, I don't want to lose him as my friend!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing that dude as my friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to him so that I can keep him as my friend and never lose him and because I fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak to someone anytime I come in the morning.

SO next I go in and I'm gonna go get my breakfast, I avoid that girl that ignored me that one time and then I get my lunch and there are black people at the breakfast counter, now I don't mean anything, but I remember when black lunch ladies served me in PS30, I hated the shit out of them, useless evil creatures of evil!!!!! But I smiled and pretended that I wouldn't rather just have my girl annie serving my breakfast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend as if I like that woman even though I don't.

Maybe I should speak to her, start small talk and see where it leads me, usually anyone who intimidates me means I have to speak to them and see what happens, or they might just be assholes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend like I like those women so that they don't get angry towards me or be mean to me.

Yup so then I get to class and do my thing with berke, I was a little uncomfortable because I get up there and kinda just act annoying, the dude in the front simply hates me with a passion because my act is pretty painful. Of course I'm beginning to understand that a teacher's livelihood depends on the students input and that only.

Uhm yeah so yesterday Reina brung her peeps over and I was cool and all but.

Yeah went to the community center and I was mad scared, first to go outside and then to get into the center and speak to the girl I was mad scared that she would be mad evil and mean, cuz the last girl was mad non-talkative for w/e reason. Yup and that's it so I walked a bit stiff and I got outside and yeah that was it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to fear that the girl would act mean to me and not care for me at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this girl would be mean and not nice to me and not share herself with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for this girl to be nice to me and love me and appreciate me from the get go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be loved by someone I don't even know.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to act hard and strong so that I couldn't be affected by a person.

Train ride

So alright I get to school and that bitch doesn't care for me anymore. so I don't really, I ignore her, although I'm dying to be her friend, but one thing I hate with a passion is someone who ignores me even though I want to be friend with them. So what I called her FAT, get the FUCK over it, you ARE fat, I don't give a shit it's the truth, but why be a bitch about it, I called her fat weeks ago, if it takes you a week to get over something then so be it.

This reminds me of a certain situation. See I used to be in spanish class and there was this dude who was indian, a guy who meant well but I received what he meant in the wrong way. So because of this, I totally ignored him for the rest of the year. He got the signal that I was ignoring him and so he ignored me just the same. But I guess I felt superior because I was the first one to ignore him, he just wanted to be my friend though. So basically reality just flipped on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry frustrated and irritated that she is ignoring me and not caring for me because of what I called her instead of allowing myself to realize that I too would get angry towards a person and ignore them to no end and because I didn't see this within me I saw it within her and became angry frustrated and irritated because I do the exact same thing.

Next big point, went into class and decided to do a mr berck presentation, the trick was to make it sort of uncomfortable and random, and boy was I uncomfortable and random, I felt like a stick, I was stuck up there and I couldn't pull any routines off, just annoyingly standing in the front of the class. So what I try to do is really focus on the kids and make them laugh. See the trick to that is to bumble and stumble over things. Plus I truly can't do a berke impersonation, berke doesn't have that much to impersonate about him besides the fact that he talks a little slow. That's it.

Yeah so, Selven throws a pen at me, I wanted to fuck him up, but I couldn't if we're going to go down that route. BUt I could try, but I would die. I have to get aloe vera for my arms cuz the last time I used it the aloe very worked wonders and tried up my skin to hell, PERFECT. This eczema is killin' me maaaaan. It's everywhere, it's itchy, it's spreading, I have to scratch myself ever other minute. My arms are filling up with pus when I pop them they get worse and create a sore that doesn't close. I want this to end and for my body to be regular!!! I don't want to scratch at random intervals in public anymore! While I'm talking to girls or friends and etc.

So then I get to music theory and mistah arzberger is NOT here, I didn't even notice, I decide to get on the piano and play music. I rush past Samantha, I was uncomfortable being in a room with her, maybe I like her, maybe in my mind, it's worse. Let's use your imagination. So then I rush past her and get to the piano, so that she knows I'm not planning any bad ideas. Which I was.

So then I sit and I feel kind of bad cuz I left Theresa alone and didn't like invite her to where I was, but there was no seat next to me so w/e.

So then I went to social history, just sat and did whatever. I always like to impress the teacher, he likes me alot this year, which is very confusing. The first year I had him he didn't really like me, or maybe he didn't favor me, now he FAVORS me, I LOVE us history, I'm all about america, so maybe this is a reason he's like "yeah I like this kid too". America, america and the amazing perfectly constructed US government laden with it's constitution that makes every person in america a free person with the will to do whatever they feel at any point in time as long as it doesn't directly harm someone. Notice I said directly cuz there are too many current indirect methods of harming people, aka the education system through wasting our time and making us stupid.

Yes, so yeah. Get to music and I play with Rodney and I really think I like this guy, I'm obsessed with him LOL not that word again!!! WOW, I saw that from a mile away. Maybe a new word than obsessed, ah yes I need to do me one of those relationship chronicles with him. I found I couldn't even look at him because I was beginining to like him so much. Like these feelings man, it's always the feelings erupt and begin to orchestrate and create a way....alright let's do it now.

Why i'm in the relationship: cuz rodney plays with me, that's what he does.

What he represents:epic coolness, there's nothing cooler than rodney

what feelings occur: no feelings occured until now, I suddenly want to run away and no longer participate with him. He sensed this, THATS bad, so, why do I want to run away, I don't know!!!

Alright so to finish this practicum, I go on the train and I stand up, don't really care. But I stand up with my coat, don't really look at the people, then I sit down with my paper, and then this girl is across from me, so I look around and then I eventually look at her and notice that she is observing my random attempts to get attention to people by showing them that I am completely different, out of the ordinary. It worked, this bitch noticed me, now that I had her attention it would be simple, approach her and speak to her about whatever. FAILURE. I only managed to interest her by being different, that's all, I did not proceed to speak to her, you know, I imagined that I would speak to her and she would be like "you weirdo, why are you speaking to me, omg omg, you're a loser, I was only watching you cuz you were weird, and you are!.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to this girl because she might reject me heavily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define speaking to this girl as superior and not speaking to her as inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to speak to this girl because i might get rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how the girl would react and perceive me and in this I refused to walk up to her.